someone owes me an orgasm
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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