I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
