i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
