I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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