i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
