My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
