I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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