When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
