1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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