Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize