I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
