One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
