You smell like stripper and shame
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
