I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
