cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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