Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
