booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
