how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
