It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
