If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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