Will you blow on my dice?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
