Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
