His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
