No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
