Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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