dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
