I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
