I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
