my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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