Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize