The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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