He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
