It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
