Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
