party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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