WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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