dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
