It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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