i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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