The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
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