My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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