I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
