you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
