Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
