I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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