i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
