College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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