The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
