apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
