I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
