I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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