I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
