Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
