my mouth tastes like poor choices
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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