I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
