I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
