Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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