I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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