He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
