I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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