Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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