I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're a waste of cheezeits
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
