I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
