My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
FUCK WHALES
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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