Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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