My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
