Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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