Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
