Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
