maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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