I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
