you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
