Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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