every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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